Posted by Hand Banana

The Five People At My Gym Who Annoy Me(your results may vary)

1) The guy wearing a fleece pullover who yells a lot

Fleece not included, use your imagination.

Fleece not included, use your imagination.

Really man? Are you cold?  The balmy 70 degrees they keep this place too chilly for ya that you need to wear a fleece?  No, I don’t think you are.  Based on the screams that I can hear through my headphones I’d say that you’re looking for attention.  The camo fleece in the suburbs of VA says “I’m a bit of a tool” and your grunts say “Hey everybody, look over here” and together, all anyone hears is “Hey everybody! Look how big of a tool I am!”  But let me clue you in on a secret.  Nobody cares.  Not one person cares that you are squatting or benching or doing arm curls with a weight belt on.  Cut that shit out.

 

2) The guy who carries around a gallon jug of water.

 

Coming through guys, gotta get hydrated

Coming through guys, gotta get hydrated

Thirsty much? Hahahahaha…no but really, you know there’s a water fountain in the gym right?  Two of them in fact.  I have no idea why you need a whole gallon jug for the 40 minutes that you’re going to be here.  You’re working out your biceps, not getting supplies to hike through Death Valley.  There is no possible way you’re going to drink all that in one go, and it has to still kind of taste like milk.  Gross.  Get a normal water bottle like a normal person.

 

3) Everyone who wears these shirts

 

Only at the gym can you get away with this

Only at the gym can you get away with this

Ok Hans, we get it.  You like to work out.  So much so that you wear a shirt with another gyms name on it.  Hey, I like to be comfortable when I work out too but seriously, don’t make me look at your armpits while I do.  You’re like half a step away from being shirtless.  This means that you sweat on everything you even accidentally brush up against.  God forbid its crowded in there and you have to scoot past people and touch them.  Yuck.  This isn’t muscle beach and you aren’t Arnold.

 

4) The 8 kids who all come as a group and work out as such

 

Just 6-10 White Goodmans all using one bench

Just 6-10 White Goodmans all using one bench

Look, I don’t have a problem with people wanting to work out together.  I think that if you can get motivated by another person to be healthier, well good on you.  But why are there 8 of you all on one machine?  You guys are waiting like 20 min to get in 8 reps on a bench press and then just stand around flexing or whatever while everyone takes a turn.  You know when you go to a bar, and you’re with like 2 people and all you want to do is have a quiet drink and chill after work but you can’t cause theres a huge group of dudes in the corner who are just being asshats, and the whole bar knows they’re being asshats but they haven’t done anything to get kicked out and theres really no rule against being loud cause I mean you know, its a bar but jesus just shut the hell up and let me enjoy my drink?  That’s this group of dudes at the gym.

 

5) Whoever keeps leaving towels on machines like they’re saving a place but then never come back to use said machine.

WHERE ARE YOU MACHINE GUY?!

WHERE ARE YOU TOWEL GUY?!

I go to the gym at a time when not many people are there.  There is really no reason to “save” your place as there aren’t enough people to swoop in and snake your shit.  But, that being said, I have no problem if you want to save your place and go get some water or take a piss or whatever.  But WHO IN THE HELL keeps leaving their towel on machines and then walking away?!  That shit is deceptive and annoying.  Here I am walking into the gym, wanting to work on a specific machine and low and behold, I can’t, cause it appears theres someone working on it.  No problem,  thats fine.  But when I come back 30 min later and that towel is STILL THERE, then I’m annoyed.  Where did you go towel guy?  Are you ok?  Are you sweaty and unable to wipe yourself off in some parallel universe thats activated by the leg press?  We may never know.

The Drinking Game You Should Be Playing Right Now

Wooo! Drinking! Woooo!

Wooo! Drinking! Woooo!

If there’s anything I like more than drinking, it’s drinking with people.   And if I can claim victory over those same people after playing ridiculous drinking games, then my night is made.  Beer pong, Kings, Asshole, Power Hour Movie Trivia, Landmines, and especially Relay are all drinking games that are made more enjoyable when you can cruch your opponents into small balls of wasted shame.

Fatality

Fatality

Of course, new games are always welcome and for my money, the best ones are the ones that involve lots of people, some sort of moving object, and an moderate physical activity.  Really gets you pumped up to go out and continue drinking much too much alcohol.

So, you can guess how excited I was when I discovered this video(via Vimeo):

Click the link! CLICK IT! I DEMAND YOU CLICK IT!

You’re Welcome.

Now, before you start with the whining lets just get some things out of the way.

  • Yes, I know the game is being played by a bunch of hipsters.  That doesn’t mean its a hipster game.
  • No,  I do not know where you are going to get a bunch of ping pong paddles and a table
  • What do you mean you don’t have 5 friends to play this with?  Beer exists so you can MAKE friends.
  • Yes, I want to have been playing this game since yesterday as well.

So get out there, rig yourself a table(beer pong table with a net made of solo cups?), make yourself some paddles(old hardback textbook cover?), get some friends over(Facebook, Twitter, Craigslist if you’re desperate) and get smashing drunk.

Cheers!

To the confusion of our enemies!  May they forever be skunked.

To the confusion of our enemies! May they forever be skunked.

 

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Awesome TV: “The First 48”

Just like every other red blooded American, I watch entirely too much TV.  One of my favorite shows to watch that conveniently gets run in marathon form at least 3 times a week is The First 48.  I’m sure you’ve seen it, unless you’re one of those “Oh, I don’t really watch TV” or “I don’t even own a TV” type of people.  In which case, quit being a dick.  All anyone hears when you say that is “I think I’m better than you”.  Plus it means you can never fully be trusted.

 

Doesn't own a TV but can describe every episode of Breaking Bad because he Netflixes on his $3000 MacBook Air

Doesn’t own a TV but can describe every episode of Breaking Bad because he Netflixes on his $3000 MacBook Air

I like The First 48 for several reasons.  The thing that blows my mind is the fact that, although the show depicts real cops catching real murderers who have actually killed someone, every episode is about as predictable as an episode of Law and Order.  However, this means I get to look forward to several inevitable scenes during the show:

 

1.  The initial murder intro scene

2.  The “detectives wait for someone to solve the murder for them” scene

3.  The interrogation scene

 

Scene 1:  The Murder

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You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

I hate getting gas more than nuts in brownies. And I'm a man who enjoys his brownies.

I hate getting gas more than nuts in brownies. And I’m a man who enjoys his brownies.

I hate getting gas.  It’s not the fact that soon I’ll having to be signing over my first born child and selling a kidney to afford a full tank, but it is just about everything else involved in the process.  I can’t count the number of times I’ve been on a road trip, had to get gas and pulled off at the nearest exit only to be taken down some po-dunk back road for 15 miles before coming to a gas station that should have the kid from deliverance playing a banjo out front.

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Today on Things We Didn’t Know Were Things: The American Pie Council

I think we can all be in agreement that pie is delicious.  Not the most outlandish claim to make I know, as I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who didn’t like pie.   My favorite pies were always the homemade kind.  However, if you’re like me and tend to burn cereal, theres nothing wrong with buying a pie at the store now and again.  Store bought stuff is fine but there is always a bit of a gamble on what you are actually eating.  Especially now what with horse meat apparently sneaking into everything.  I mean, I always assumed Taco Bell was like 20% horse to begin with so the fact that it’s confirmed that Mr. Ed IS futzing around in various products isn’t that crazy to me.  Anyways, when buying a pie at the store you gotta worry about ingredients..  Bad ingredients make bad pies and bad pies cause bad times.  If only there was some kind of organization to oversee commercial pie creation and ensure America’s pies are up to a strict standard.  Oh, wait…that already exists.

I'm switching to whole milk.

I’m switching to whole milk.

The American Pie Council boasts a mission statement(according to their website) of “The American Pie Council® (APC) is the only organization committed to preserving America’s pie heritage and promoting American’s love affair with pies. Designed to raise awareness, enjoyment and consumption of pies…”  Did I miss something?  Are pies going out of style?  Are people not aware of pies in the United States?  Land of the overweight and husky?  I refuse to believe that awareness needs to be raised for pie.  More disturbing to me is the idea that there is some huge pie organization out there dictating American pie rules.  Or just the fact that there ARE rules for pie to begin with.  Hey everybody!  Gotta watch out for the BIG PIE lobby in Washington during the next election.  Don’t go trying to put apples and cherries in that pie Grandma!  Lest you find yourself locked up in some kind of Big Pie “reeducation camp” which I assume looks a lot like theLeave it to Beaver house except instead of 1940’s nostalgia you get jack booted guards that pie tin whip you if you try to buck the Pie Rules set out by the APC.  I’m sure more grandmas have been lost to Betty Crockers pie camps out in the boonies of Iowa than BIG PIE wants you to know about.

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