7 Steps to Success: Crash a High School Reunion

Long time, no post.

It looks like Hand Banana broke the silence a few months ago…..time for your good pal Bruno Sardine to get back to this whole posting of articles in a blog format.  CHEERS!

happy dance

A few things of note before we get started:

  • We tried the Twitter thing for a while.  It was fun but incredibly stressful for some reason.  Information streaming from all directions.  I have always dabbled in Twitter, but have never become a full blown user.   When I tried, I failed big time.  Anyhow, we are retiring the Twitter account until we find someone worthy of managing it.  I suck at Twitter.  #LOSER
  • Most of our posts seem to be rants about stuff that bothers us.  At first I was troubled by this, but then realized that is essentially why 99% of blogs exist.  It’s fun to make fun of things!  The whole saying of “making fun” is essentially that:  FUN!  Pointing out the shortcoming of others DOES bring joy to our lives!  And furthermore (Susan), the biggest part of learning awesome is knowing what is not awesome.
  • We are terrible people.

Back to the post!  I started writing this a while back during our never-ending winter, so some of the information is a little dated.  #apologies (also, did I mention I suck at Twitter?)

//Clears Throat

Hello friends of awesome.  I must say, it’s nice to be back on a binge of this thing we call life.  The sun is shining and the birds are chirping.  As east coast dwellers, we begin to witness the annual two-week period of people not complaining about the weather.  Life is pretty good.

This weeks episode is a helluva trip and one of our personal favorites.  A few years ago, the movie Wedding Crashers came out.  Wait…SHIT…..that was 9 years ago.  Fucking time, I swear.  All this talk of sequels to Anchorman and Dodgeball is throwing me off.  Anyhow, most people enjoyed Wedding Crashers.  Wedding Crashing quickly became all the rage.  Every bro’d out dude wanted to try it.  I think about 12 actually did.

 

High School Reunions are the new Weddings

Amongst all the hype about crashing weddings, lost was the art of crashing High School Reunions.  Weddings can suck, but even the worst wedding is no where near as bad as a High School Reunion.  Eh, that may be an exaggeration.  I suppose anything past a 50 year reunion is pretty cool.

“Hey guys, I’m not dead!  Let’s make some old people sexy time”

Outside of  geriatric banging, the vast majority of High School Reunions are pretty horrendous.  Why not pull some shenanigans and make some lemonade?  Lemons, make lemonade, that old saying….remember?  That is what we call an Idiom, aka a colloquial metaphor.  I am smart because I watch Archer.

The Cast

You could not script a better place full of abhorrent people to prank:

The Achiever

“Look at me, I make eleventy billion dollars.  Also, SPOILER ALERT, you are going to hear about it!  My dad totally owned a dealership and now I own 20.”

Dodson!

The Time Traveler

“Hey, holy shit, it’s you!  Wow, you haven’t changed a bit.  Remember when I dumped you after a week because you were such a loser?  Hopefully that didn’t leave a lasting social impact on your life….”

We've got DODSON Here!

The Swan

“After 15 years of intensive physical training, my day has finally come.  I can’t wait to see the look on everybody’s face when they behold the new me!  I lost 100 lbs and now I am SUPER sexy!  OMG this is MY moment of triumph!”

Nobody Cares

Let’s Crash some High School Reunions!

NOTE:  These methods have actually been tested in a live environment.  Although it would be fun to simply make up a 7 step list, we found it a lot more fun to do a trial run.  The following report chronicles my findings, AKA your key to success:

Step 1)  Choose a Believable Age Bracket

This one is common sense, but common sense is not so common these days.  Sooooooo, better to state the obvious.

Depending on your age, make sure to choose your reunion wisely.  It’s okay to stretch it a little bit in terms of age.  However, you should not look TOO young or TOO old.  Otherwise, you are dead in the water (more idioms!).

Good:  A 25 year old going to a 10 year Reunion
Bad:  A 25 year old going to a 40 year Reunion

As 20-something year old males, we found it best to stick to the 10, 15 and (although a stretch) 20 year reunions.  It’s amazing what people will believe if YOU believe it.

There’s the truth :(

Lionel Hutz the Truth

And….THE TRUTH :)

Lionel Hutz Attorney at Law

Step 2)  Identify the Reason Nobody Remembers you

People are pretty stupid, but they are normally not complete idiots.  You need to make a solid argument as to why no one seems to remember local high school party legend Zack “Attack” Starr:

  • “I transferred from {insert nearby rival high school} our senior year.”
  • “I moved from {insert believable location} and was the new kid starting 11th grade.  I knew some people, but didn’t really come out of my shell until {insert out of state college known for parties}.”

Step 3)  Find Shared Experiences that Prove you are INDEED the Person you Claim to be

To successfully live a lie, you need to have a solid back-story that includes shared experiences.  Don’t short change this step!

The easiest way to obtain shared experiences is through a high school year book.  The other alternative would be to do some Googling of people attending the reunion.  I actually skipped both of these options and got lucky as shit.  Apparently I was the spitting image of some girl’s younger brother named Steve.  This Steve….mischievous little scamp he was!

So as Steve, I compiled my shared experiences by literally just taking mental notes on my antics as described by Steve’s sister’s BFF.

Step 4)  Mingle and Make Friends

All you need is one person to buy into your story and you are in!  During my test run, this was the key to everything.  I assumed the role of Steve by way of Steve’s sister’s BFF bestowing it upon me.  There were a few holes to fill in as to what I have been up to over the past 15 years.  Since I am a terrible liar, I tend to craft my tales as “Based on a True Story” types of lies.  This way, I am knowledgeable about the subjects of my fake persona and can easily remember the story.

True:  I played in a shitty band!
Based on a True Story:  Did you know I was on the warped tour for several years and opened for Something Corporate!!???  Such a crazy time, OH MAN!!!!  note:  if you go this route, always pick a band that was popular but is no longer relevant….makes it seem more real

In the back with sunglasses...STEVE

In the back with sunglasses…STEVE

True:  I have built a shitty website!
Based on True Story:  Did you know I used to party with Larry Page, founder of Google!!???  That guy was awesome…we had so much fun at Stanford before I transferred back to the East Coast!!!!

Larry Page

Clearly the face of cool

Now these are the ones I have pulled.  Be sure to pick your “Based on a True Story” tales from your own experiences.  Think of something kind of fun about yourself and then run with it!  Remember….the main point of this whole high school reunion crashing is to have good time pulling a caper.  Therefore (within reason), go nuts with your stories!  It’s okay to embellish a little.  By making these claims, it may even inspire you to become your persona.  Self fulfilling prophecy my friends….

Step 5)  Obtain a Name Tag

Once you have your persona complete, it’s time to get a name tag.  Everyone at reunions has a name tag.  Think of the name tag as your pass to the amusement park.  Without it, you will likely be spotted and kicked out.  There are normally a lot of people who do not show up.  It’s actually pretty easy to find the name tag you seek as long as you pick a pretty generic name.

The other option is to bring a few blank name tags with colored sharpies and try your luck.  Since it’s best to be prepared for all scenarios, I’d recommend doing this as a precaution.

Again, I did none of this and was lucky enough to be given a blank badge by Steve’s sister’s BFF.

hello my name is steve

Step 6)  Use a Catch Phrase with your new Friends

Think of this step as personal branding.  Drunk people love repeating simple but catchy phrases……”CATCH PHRASES” if you will.  Hell, this is also the same formula that makes a song hit the top 40.  Simple, easy to repeat choruses like “Fundle my Grundle” or “Balls Balls Balls!”

Your classmates will come to associate your persona with this catch phrase.

My catch phrase:  “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S BEEN 15 YEARS”

Repeating this phrase seemed to make everyone so excited each time they heard it.  Steve’s sister’s BFF especially enjoyed it and laughed hysterically every time it was uttered.  She also started saying it too and doing shots of petron and vomiting on my shirt.

Step 7)  Have Fun DAMMIT

Again, the whole purpose of this exercise is to pull shenanigans with complete strangers and have a fun time.  HAVE FUN DAMMIT!

I had a fantastic night and came to find my mug all over the reunion’s facebook page the next day.  Fucking Steve man, that guy was the tits!

We’d love to hear your stories of following our 7 step guide to crashing a high school reunion.  Click the “send us stuff” link and tell us about it….SERIOUSLY, DOOOOOOO IT!

Anyhow, nice to be back writing some awesome.  Till next time…

 

 

 

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