Posted in January 2014

The Five People At My Gym Who Annoy Me(your results may vary)

1) The guy wearing a fleece pullover who yells a lot

Fleece not included, use your imagination.

Fleece not included, use your imagination.

Really man? Are you cold?  The balmy 70 degrees they keep this place too chilly for ya that you need to wear a fleece?  No, I don’t think you are.  Based on the screams that I can hear through my headphones I’d say that you’re looking for attention.  The camo fleece in the suburbs of VA says “I’m a bit of a tool” and your grunts say “Hey everybody, look over here” and together, all anyone hears is “Hey everybody! Look how big of a tool I am!”  But let me clue you in on a secret.  Nobody cares.  Not one person cares that you are squatting or benching or doing arm curls with a weight belt on.  Cut that shit out.

 

2) The guy who carries around a gallon jug of water.

 

Coming through guys, gotta get hydrated

Coming through guys, gotta get hydrated

Thirsty much? Hahahahaha…no but really, you know there’s a water fountain in the gym right?  Two of them in fact.  I have no idea why you need a whole gallon jug for the 40 minutes that you’re going to be here.  You’re working out your biceps, not getting supplies to hike through Death Valley.  There is no possible way you’re going to drink all that in one go, and it has to still kind of taste like milk.  Gross.  Get a normal water bottle like a normal person.

 

3) Everyone who wears these shirts

 

Only at the gym can you get away with this

Only at the gym can you get away with this

Ok Hans, we get it.  You like to work out.  So much so that you wear a shirt with another gyms name on it.  Hey, I like to be comfortable when I work out too but seriously, don’t make me look at your armpits while I do.  You’re like half a step away from being shirtless.  This means that you sweat on everything you even accidentally brush up against.  God forbid its crowded in there and you have to scoot past people and touch them.  Yuck.  This isn’t muscle beach and you aren’t Arnold.

 

4) The 8 kids who all come as a group and work out as such

 

Just 6-10 White Goodmans all using one bench

Just 6-10 White Goodmans all using one bench

Look, I don’t have a problem with people wanting to work out together.  I think that if you can get motivated by another person to be healthier, well good on you.  But why are there 8 of you all on one machine?  You guys are waiting like 20 min to get in 8 reps on a bench press and then just stand around flexing or whatever while everyone takes a turn.  You know when you go to a bar, and you’re with like 2 people and all you want to do is have a quiet drink and chill after work but you can’t cause theres a huge group of dudes in the corner who are just being asshats, and the whole bar knows they’re being asshats but they haven’t done anything to get kicked out and theres really no rule against being loud cause I mean you know, its a bar but jesus just shut the hell up and let me enjoy my drink?  That’s this group of dudes at the gym.

 

5) Whoever keeps leaving towels on machines like they’re saving a place but then never come back to use said machine.

WHERE ARE YOU MACHINE GUY?!

WHERE ARE YOU TOWEL GUY?!

I go to the gym at a time when not many people are there.  There is really no reason to “save” your place as there aren’t enough people to swoop in and snake your shit.  But, that being said, I have no problem if you want to save your place and go get some water or take a piss or whatever.  But WHO IN THE HELL keeps leaving their towel on machines and then walking away?!  That shit is deceptive and annoying.  Here I am walking into the gym, wanting to work on a specific machine and low and behold, I can’t, cause it appears theres someone working on it.  No problem,  thats fine.  But when I come back 30 min later and that towel is STILL THERE, then I’m annoyed.  Where did you go towel guy?  Are you ok?  Are you sweaty and unable to wipe yourself off in some parallel universe thats activated by the leg press?  We may never know.